Miley Cyrus must have run out of shit to rub her grimy hillbilly cooter on and dirty drugs to stuff into her possum mouth and slumber party dance routines to choreograph with her sister, because it appears she’s taken to fighting the Bangerz Tour down-time boredom by coming for toddler-faced chipmunk chanteuse Selena Gomez. It was foolish of me to assume that being woken up this morning by a bunch of rats getting into a noisy trash can fight would be the only time I’d be dealing with dramatic rodents today.
After losing the “Favourite International Artist or Group” award to Selena Gomez at the MuchMusic Video Awards (in association with Satan), Miley followed up her performance of “FU” with a cardboard cutout of Selena by taking a swipe at the long-lost 4th Chipette on Twitter:
wigged woting wis wack wust wayin
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) June 16, 2014
What Miley’s remaining freon-corroded brain cell was trying to say is: “Rigged voting is whack just sayin.” Rigged? Are you kidding me? It’s a MuchMusic Video Award; it makes the “No Cavities!” sticker they give out at the dentist look like a goddamn Nobel Prize. Bitch needs to chill the fuck out.
And furthermore, what the fuck crawled into Miley’s thong-chafed ass cheeks (besides crabs, obviously) to make her start throwing shade at Selena? Forget my initial comparison to rodents, this is turning into a bitchy 6th grade fight during recess. Miley makes a paper doll of Selena and gives it the middle finger. Then when Selena wins a spot on Student Council, Miley tells the rest of the 6th grade girls that the election was rigged and cries because she’s “more popular and has way better ideas for school dances”. Then Miley starts a rumor that Selena isn’t even allowed to shave her legs yet and calls her a baby for thinking Lip Smackers are the same as lipstick.
Here’s more of the coolest mean girl in middle school leaving Barcelona last night: