Mila Kunis Says She And Ashton Kutcher Don’t Want To Raise An Asshole

June 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Unless the fetus chilling out inside Mila Kunis is the result of artificial insemination by sperm grown in any set of balls besides Ashton Kutchers, there’s a 99.999% chance the baby is already an asshole. It’s probably floating around in Mila’s tummy with a shit-eating grin, wearing a trucker hat made from pieces of umbilical cord and demanding amniotic fluid bottle service. And when it finally comes time for Mila to push the baby out, the first thing it will do is hit on a nurse. “Girl, if I’d known you were waiting on the other side, I would have broken my water 2 weeks ago.” Regardless, Mila Kunis tells Marie Claire that she and Ashton will try:

“I just don’t want my kids to be assholes. I feel like so many kids nowadays are. Both of us just want to have well-behaved, honest, nice children who people meet and say, ‘That’s a good kid.'”

I’m no scientist (unless knowing the atomic weight of Bolognium counts) but isn’t the best way to prevent asshole kids is to not mate with assholes? Then again, Mila might be basic enough to neutralize the acidic properties of Ashton’s douche and she’ll produce a normal, non-asshole baby. Regardless, she might have found a way to give her baby a running head start: by ensuring that the first person the baby sees as it enters the world won’t be Kelso from That 70s Show.

“Two people are allowed in my delivery room. My doctor and my significant other. And he is staying above the action. He’ll be head to head. Not head to vag. Unless he wants to risk his life and see. But I wouldn’t if I were him. I highly doubt he wants to see that being ripped apart and shredded. Because it will be shredded.”

Oh sweet, innocent Mila. Ashton’s eyes have already seen a tore-up from the pelvic floor-up pussy; he was married for eight years to the woman who gave birth to Rumer Willis, remember?

Here’s more of Mila in Marie Claire before she’d been implanted with Ashton’s douchey spawn:

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