Adam Levine Said Sowwy To All The Ex-Pieces He Screwed Over

June 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Before Adam Levine marries Behati Prinsloo and makes her his first soon-to-be alimony recipient, he wanted to atone for all of his douche sins and make nice with all of the blonde models he fucked literally and figuratively. The tattooed douche bottle cozy wants to start his wedded life off with a clean slate and doesn’t want any of the blonde models he treated like trash to get together and put a voodoo curse on his marriage. Like those blonde models will waste their time doing that. They know Adam Levine’s own peen will eventually curse his marriage by wandering into the poon of another Victoria’s Secret Angel.

An inside source (read: UsWeekly’s summer intern) tells UsWeekly that Adam called up his ex-girlfriends Anne V and Nina Agdal and shat out a load of sorries for doing them wrong. Adam was dating Nina and Behati at the same time and after weeks of pressing the ignore button on his phone every time Nina called, he finally told her through a text message that he was engaged to Behati. Adam earned a Summer’s Eve gold certified lifetime douchechievement award for that move. UsWeekly’s source says that Nina and Behati weren’t impressed by Adam’s apology:

“He apologized for how he treated them. [But] they couldn’t care less he wants to make it right.”

An ex has never apologized to me (unless “throwing me a shank eye and flipping me off from across the room of a bar” counts as an apology), but some of my friends have been apologized to by exes and they eat it up. They’re like, “Awww, it’s so sweet of him to admit he’s sorry.” Gullible bitches falling for that bullshit. Life isn’t High Fidelity, bitch. The only time it’s okay for an ex I’ve had a messy break up with to call me is if he’s dying and wants to make me the sole beneficiary of his estate (which knowing my exes, would amount to a pile of collection notices) or if he thinks he gave me an STD. And even then, he can use Don’t Spread It instead.

The source also says that Adam plans to get Behati’s name tattooed on his body because that’s a good idea:

“He may get a tattoo of Behati’s name over his heart. He wants to make their love permanent on his body!”

Instead of getting Behati’s name tattooed over his heart, he should just get “Victoria’s Secret Angel” tattooed over his heart, because that will cover all of his future wives too.

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