Last night, Sister Cristina Scuccia, the singing nun who filled ear holes with holy water when she yodeled out Alicia Keys’ “No One” during her audition for The Voice in March, won Italy’s The Voice. Of course Sister Cristina won. A vote against Sister Cristina is a voice for Lucifer and if she would’ve lost, God would’ve hit Italy with a million lighting bolts and it turned into boot dust. God takes Italian reality shows really seriously.
Before Sister Cristina won 62% of the votes and got a recording contract with Universal, she performed “What A Feeling” and the entire performance was five layers of weird wrapped in ten layers of messy. It’s like something out of Sister Act if Sister Act was made in the 80s by the same people who did the Girls Just Wanna Have Fun movie. I don’t know if Sister Cristina’s singing in English, Italian or Swahili or a little bit of all of that. It reminds me of when my uncle, who pretty much only speaks Spanish, got drunk and tried to sing “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” at a Christmas party. It sounded like, “Rooourking youuuuu rooound da Chruuuu messs buuuush.” I couldn’t understand a word he said, but it was the greatest vocal interpretation of that song I ever heard.
What I’m trying to say about Sister Cristina’s performance is that all singing reality show performances should be like that.
HuffPo says that after she won, she thanked God and then she prayed on stage, because the night wasn’t awkward enough:
“My presence here is not up to me, it’s thanks to the man upstairs,” she said and then recited the Lord’s Prayer onstage.
Congrats to Sister Cristina! And if Sister Cristina ever wins any music awards and she thanks God first and foremost, none of us can really say shit or roll our eyes at that, because she should thank God first and foremost. God’s ass got her the votes!