Horny Camel Jay-Z Can’t Stop Humping On Women Who Aren’t Beyoncé

June 6, 2014 / Posted by:

Someone call Joey Greco and tell him his services as a cheater-catching super-sleuth aren’t needed; Life & Style already knows who Jay-Z has been stepping out on Beyoncé with. So unless the Cheater’s film crew has never-before-seen footage of Jay-Z getting a blow job from a mystery woman behind a strip mall Little Caesars, tell him we’re good for now.

According to Life & Style (via Jezebel), Beyoncés picture-perfect marriage might be in trouble because the smooth dromedary can’t stop busting his dry, sandy camel nuts into an assortment of side pieces. So far, the list includes RiRi, Rita Ora, Rachel Roy, and a former Miss Belgium. Up until now, Beyoncé has sort of turned a blind eye to Jay-Z’s cheating, since she has more important shit to deal with, like threatening to cut off Basement Baby’s weekly delivery of stale cheese sandwiches if she doesn’t start smiling like she means it for Instagram pictures. But now she’s feeling “insecure” about all the random strange because “her new album is all about [her and Jay’z] freaky sex life and how she’ll do anything to keep him sexually satisfied.” 

So instead of hiring an good divorce attorney (cut to Blue Ivy in an 80s power bitch pantsuit) and changing the name of their “On The Run” tour to the “Bitch, You Done” tour, Bey is allegedly hooking up with her bodyguard, Julius De Boer, a man who’s name sounds like a line of elegant-yet-affordable polyester wigs.

I know Bey is trying to make Jay-Z jealous, but you know who’s really getting hurt in all of this? The Photoshop. If Bey starts trying to match Jay-Z hump-for-hump, she’ll no longer have the time needed to carefully airbrush and edit all her Instagram pictures to prove they still have the World’s Greatest Bey-lationship.

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