Important Update: The “Not The One” Family Dollar Manager Who Febreze’d A Thief In The Face Got Fired

June 3, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, I should’ve seen this coming the same way that Midwestern rose in a hooker dress should’ve seen that Febreze spray to the face coming after she failed to show respect to a Family Dollar manager. Respect the red shirt! I figured the Family Dollar manger would be promoted to VP of customer relations and security, but that’s not what happened. He got pink-slipped instead.

Last week, Gavyn Edlinger, the manager of a Family Dollar in Saginaw, Michigan, got his 15 seconds of Internet fame when a video of him spitting sass into the faces of two thieving pieces of down river trash went viral. This is a highly important American news story that every journalist should be covering and TMZ knows this, so yesterday they interviewed Gavyn. Gavyn says that the Febreze show down all started when the grocery store next to the Family Dollar called him and told him that two upstanding citizens (two of which are probably pregnant, only one of them doesn’t know it yet) stole a can of Febreze from his store and were trying to sell it. The video starts up with him confronting them in the parking lot as the mother of one of the girls showed up to get them. Randy from South Park’s sassier nephew says that he did bring on the dramatics a little too hard, but he doesn’t regret giving that thief a fresh Febreze facial.

“I went overboard. I totally did, but I take my job seriously and I HATE shoplifters. Yeah, I was terminated yesterday. They actually did not give a specific reason, they only stated due to the ‘incidents’ that occurred they were choosing to terminate my employment with the company.

I would never want to create harm to anyone, but at the end of the day I am a hard-working guy. I worked my way up to be a salaried store manager with that company. I don’t regret [Febrezing her in the face]. Gurrrrrl, you needed some Febreze.”

Gavyn says that he did call the police before he went after those thieves, but they never showed up and the 911 operator later called to see if the situation was handled. The thief’s mom also apologized and didn’t know her daughter was stealing Febreze to sell it on the black market. And Gavyn added that the powers that be of Family Dollar knew about the situation before it went viral, because a few hating employees who are jealous of his quick rise to the top tattled on him.

Whatever, Gavyn doesn’t need those bitches at Family Dollar! Febreze will make him the face of their new line of facial products (his catchphrase: “Gurrrrl, you need some Febreze”) ¬†and he’ll write a movie based on this dramatic event. Billy Eichner will play him and Taryn Manning will play the thief, the thief’s friend and the thief’s mom.

Here’s the video if you missed it the first time around:

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