While human can of dirty computer duster Miley Cyrus was off in Europe terrorizing the citizens of Helsinki with her Bangerz tour (fun fact: two seconds after she threw her rancid moss-covered tongue out, government officials were forced to change the name of their city to Smellstinki) TMZ says that two burglars broke into her home in the Valley and got their steal on.
Miley’s assistant (Towelie) arrived at Miley’s home around midnight on Saturday night and discovered that shit was all a mess, which wasn’t a surprise to the assistant, since rodents are known to live in squalor. However, the assistant remembered that Miley was in Europe and realized the mess must have been the result of a pack of thieving bastards, so they called the LAPD and asked for the SVU (stealin’ from vermin unit). The police say the suspects, a man and a woman, scaled the fence and entered the home through the garage, and made off with Miley’s esspensive joo-rey and a 2014 Maserati worth $102,000.
My question is this: where was Miley’s army of dogs while all of this was happening?? I know Floyd is paws-deep in a bottomless bag of Snausages on the Rainbow Bridge, but what about the other 3 or 4 or however many Cyrus puppies there are? They should have pulled a Kevin McCallister and defended their home against those burglars with a series of wacky booby-traps and pranks. Can you imagine if during the planning stages, one of them pulled out a picture of Trace and said “Miley, your brother! WOOF!”? It would have been hilarious. Goddamn it, Miley’s dogs, get your shit together! At the very least start keeping a bucket of Micro Machines at the front door.