When it was announced that the Los Feliz hipster love between Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell was given a quick kombucha-scented death after only 18 months of marriage and less than 10 months after the birth of baby Anonymous, I knew something in the farmer’s market organic soy milk ain’t clean. My guess was that Evan caught Jamie cheating on her with a chick who works at Urban Outfitters (“How could you?!? That’s a mall store!”) or that Evan admitted she didn’t really like Portlandia (“Ew, you watched mainstream television? Why don’t you just buy a latte from Starbucks and move to the suburbs!”).
As it turns out, it was far less dramatic. A source tells People that Evan sort of hung up her black felt bowler hat on the whole wife thing once baby Anonymous came into her life:
“Evan loves being a mom. After her son was born, he has been her No. 1 priority. The marriage always came in second. They have different goals for the future and want to pursue them separately,” the source says.
“Nothing dramatic happened. They are friends and will continue to parent their son together. They have been friends for years and are happier this way than being married. Evan is very edgy and adventurous and wants to find a partner that she can share that with.”
Oooh, shots of subtle shade fired on Billy Elliot! “They’re still like, best friends, but Evan is edgy and adventurous and cool and funny and talented and not boring and just wants to find someone similar, you know?”
But back to baby Anonymous. I thought that during the first year, babies spent most of their time peeing, crying, tearing apart your nipples, projectile vomiting leche all over the place, and finding new and unique ways to shit their pants. So baby Anonymous must be the coolest, most fun baby in the history of babies to make Evan Rachel Wood want to say sayonara to Billy Elliot. Does baby Anonymous grant wishes? Does he poop Twix minis? Does he give sincere compliments? What is it?