Evan Rachel Wood And Billy Elliot Are Over

May 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Today, hipsters everywhere are pouring out a Red Solo Cup full of lavender and fennel-infused artisanal ale for the fallen hipster love they thought would last forever or at least until the next Sun Kil Moon album comes out. If a hipster couple who always dresses like roadies for The Culture Club can’t make it, what hipster couple can?

After 18 months of being married (which is 550 years in hipster years) and 10 months after her hipster vagine spit out their unnamed patchouli-scented hipster baby, Billy Elliot has decided to twirl away from Evan Rachel Wood. Evan and Jamie Bell’s rep pulled out their go-to generic break-up statement, changed the names and then released it to UsWeekly:

“Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell have decided to separate. They both love and respect one another and will of course remain committed to co-parenting their son. This is a mutual decision and the two remain close friends.”

Uh huh, we’ll see how close they’ll remain when they have to divide up their joint collection of foreign movie poster t-shirts, obscure 70s band vinyls and porcelain Danish figurines of old ladies carrying laundry. Poor Auden Pabst Sage (I’m guessing that’s what they named their kid) is going to witness an all-out hipster war.

I ranted about this when they got married, but I’m going to bring it up again. This would’ve never happened if they didn’t get married on a Tuesday. A Tuesday!

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