Charlize Theron better wear full body armor from now on, because the gluten-free-ers are going to beat her ass with their rock hard, gluten-free bread for dragging them through a pile of cakes, pies and bleached white Wonder Bread. Chelsea Handler, who is friends with every single blonde trick in Hollywood, had Charlize Theron on her show last week and the topic of what she gave all her blonde friends for Christmas came up. Chelsea gave everyone gluten-free cupcakes and it made Charlize want to barf up her insides and rinse the taste of gluten-free vomit from her tongue by drinking a giant glass of liquid gluten spiked with sugar. In a part of the interview that was not-at-all planned or staged, Charlize goes off on gluten-free bitches. (Charlize didn’t mention celiacs or people allergic to gluten, but you better protect your eardrums now, because Elisabeth Hasselcrack will shrill out a 30-minute-long response to this.)
“I just think that if you are gonna send a gift, let it be enjoyable. Why send me a fucking cupcake with no sugar in it? What’s the use? There’s no use. It tastes like cardboard! And this was the ultimate test, I was in the middle of a fitting with a bunch of ‘fashion people’ and they love skinny stuff. I had them taste it and even they couldn’t eat it. Then I tried, I said, ‘You know, I love my cleaning ladies, I’m gonna give-’ They wouldn’t even eat it. My dogs wouldn’t even eat it. I couldn’t get rid of the goddamned cupcakes in my kitchen.
I think the gluten-free thing is bullshit. I’m sorry, that’s just me. I don’t believe it and I think studies now recently just proved that it is bullshit. But I actually do think it’s bullshit.”
If a ho doesn’t want to eat gluten, because they’re afraid it’ll make them fat, I’m all for that. Because that means more delicious gluten for me! But I think it’s funny that Charlize is judging people for what they put in their mouths when her sucio, no-standards-having, disgusting ass regularly puts Sean Penn’s over-cooked Snausage dick in her mouth.
And if you ever want to eat anything again, stop watching that video at the 2:25 mark. No cake, gluten-free or not, deserves that.
Here’s Charlize, her son, her son’s topless doll and Sean Penn leaving a hotel in London today.