Shitty Entitled Toddler Actually Did Something Non-Shitty By Donating $545,000 To Charity

May 25, 2014 / Posted by:

It took every ounce of my willpower not to write that as: SHITTY SHITHEAD ASSHOLE GAVE AWAY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN A PATHETIC ATTEMPT TO APPEAR 0.000000001% LESS SHITTY THAN WE KNOW HE IS, and I’ll be honest, I actually wrote and deleted it 4 times before my brain up and left, hissing ”You traitor” as it slammed the door. So take comfort knowing that delivering the news of Justin Bieber doing something halfway decent hurts me as much as it hurts you to read it.

On Thursday evening, Talky Tina’s spoiled asshole Canadian cousin Justin Bieber attended the amfAR gala fundraiser in France (“Sorry for dumping all our trash on you this week” - North America) and TMZ says he shocked everyone in attendance by going the whole evening without needing a change of Pull-Ups. NO! It was because some rich guy made a $545,000 donation to AIDS research and Justin Bieber matched it. He was then asked if he was sure he wanted to pledge such a large amount (“Wouldn’t you rather spend that money on baseball cards and Airheads, little boy?”) and Justin confirmed that, yes, he wanted to donate more than half a million dollars to AIDS research.

Every last fibre of my being wants to find out why exactly he’s done something so kind, but all I can come up with is that his PR team is sick of waking up with pink eye every morning from constantly being eyeball-deep in shit, and it was either donate a fuckload of money or go vonulteer at Habitat for Humanity. And since Justin isn’t big enough yet to use power tools or read the numbers on a tape measurer, writing a cheque was the easiest, most toddler-safe way to go.

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