Sofia Vergara and her fiancé Nick Loeb, who’s always looked like a mash-up of a Fun House Mirror Hugh Grant and Alice the Goon to me, have always been a messy, messy couple. Even though they’re a wreck, I thought they would get married, have a little kid and be that couple who gets the cops called on them after they get into a physical brawl at their child’s kindergarten graduation. But Sofia and Nick aren’t going to get married and they probably aren’t going to have a kid that they’ll fuck up. Sofia wrote on WhoSay last night that Nick isn’t going to drown in her chichis while motorboating anymore, because they’re over. Sofia wrote that shit has been getting worse and worse and the fun is over:
“Not that anyone should care, but in order to not give the press the chance to invent crazy and hurtful drama, I prefer to tell my fans personally that Nick and I have decided to be apart. We have been having too many problems with figuring out how to spend time together and because of my work and now his, its been getting worse and worse. Not fun anymore. We are still very close but we believe it’s the best thing for us right now.”
“Figuring out how to spend time together…” is a funny way of saying that Sofia was sick of coming home and finding Nick snorting coke out of a call girl’s pussy while another call girl licked his ass on their bed. When you’ve worked a long day, the last thing you want to do is scrub your fiance’s ass juices and random cooch juice out of your sheets.
Well, the good news is that whoever Sofia dates next would be a total upgrade. Now’s your chance, Eric Stonestreet.