In case you couldn’t tell from the floor under your feet being hot as fuck due to Lucifer and his minions lighting celebratory bonfires of glee in Hell, the prized heifer of the Kardashian klan made Kanye Kardashian (née West) her soon-to-be third ex-husband at Forte di Belvedere in Florence, Italy today. The ghosts of the hos who built that fort must be weeping and screaming. They built that fort to protect their city from trash and today, a piece of trash got married in it. How dreadful.
After their whore convention/wedding rehearsal dinner at Versailles last night, Kim, Kanye and all of their guests flew to Florence for the ceremony. The completely crystal clear and Hi-Res picture above is of Kim dribbling out vows she’ll break in a week as Kanye silently wishes he would’ve made her wore a bridal mirrored mask so he could see how hot and sexy he looks in his all-leather, low-cut black groom onesie. (That’s what he wore, right?) E! News (duh) says that Bruce Jenner walked Kim down the aisle, which is weird to me, because why would Kim want someone more naturally beautiful and glamorous than her walking her down the aisle? Khloezilla, Kourtney, Kendull and KYJelly (or whatever her name is) were Kim’s bridesmaids and I’m sure their Instagram pages will soon be covered in the 10,000 selfies they took during the ceremony. Pimp Mama Kris sat in the front row and it took guests a while to figure out that the muffled, slobbery, bawling sounds that lasted through most of the ceremony were from her pimp pussy crying with happiness over how much money she’s gonna get for the wedding pictures. As for North West, who knows where she was during the ceremony. I don’t think even Kim and Kanye knew. They’ll Photoshop her into the pictures later.
E! says that guests included Rachel Roy, Brittny Gastineau, NeNe Leakes, LaLa Anthony, Q-Tip, Chrissy Teigen, John Legend, Blac Chyna and an old wig that Beyonce sent in her place, because she’d rather be anywhere but there.
And now our long international nightmare is FINALLY over! Actually, it’s probably just begun. Cut to PMK’s kackle.
UPDATE: And here’s the first look at Kim’s dress, which was designed by Kanye’s boo Riccardo Tisci. I know, I know this look would’ve looked so much better and more elegant if that veil was made of paper bag material.
— NICO (@IAMFASHlON) May 24, 2014
Here’s some riveting pictures of guests leaving their hotel in Florence to go to that charade of a wedding today.