Take comforting in knowing that if you read the words “on the bathroom floor” and immediately started singing Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me“, you’re not alone. Thandie Newton, star of the most important films of the 21st Century, Norbit (RASPUTIA FOREVER) and also other less significant movies like Crash and Interview with the Vampire, revealed on the Today show Thursday that she gave birth to her son Booker on the bathroom floor of her home. And no, it was nothing like the teen pregnancy horror stories your 9th grade sex-ed teacher would tell you as a way to frighten you into using condoms. She says she birthed all three of her children at home in her bathroom because the idea of pushing out her baby in a hospital surrounded by bedpans and lime jello gave her a case of the NOPES.
“I had just associated hospital with being ill, and I felt beautiful and healthy and wonderful when I was pregnant, and being at home is the place I felt most relaxed and comfortable. So for me, it feels normal, but there was a time when everybody had their babies at home and it wasn’t such a big deal.”
Essentially, what she’s saying is that her bathroom floor is clean enough to birth a baby on. Now cut to my bathroom, where at any given moment a tumbleweed of random hairs held together with dust and tampon wrappers and hairpins is bound to roll over your foot. Forget a human baby, my bathroom floor would be considered unfit for a pregnant rat. And just by saying that, I’m sure I’ve jinxed myself and there’s a large, greasy rat momma pushing out a litter of slimy pink babies on a pile of hair behind my toilet as we speak.