Self-Proclaimed Prude Jessica Alba Wants Everyone To Know That She Never Made A Stop On The Casting Couch

May 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Jessica Alba, a member of The Basic Jessicas Club (see: Biel, Simpson), tells Entertainment Weekly (via People) that she’s a good Catholic girl and never gave head to get ahead. That’s good for her. Because if she rode a bunch of shriveled up, fake-tanned Hollywood executive dick to get cast in Good Luck Chuck, then bitch is doing the casting couch wrong.

Jessica says that while she was at home sipping chamomile tea and crocheting covers for her bible, other actresses were fucking for roles. Jessica says that yeah, she plays a stripper in Sin City: A Dame To Kill For and sex sells, but she never used her coochie to get a contract signed. Jessica is SO MUCH better than that.

“Sex is absolutely what helps sell this movie, which is fine with me. I’m also playing a character when people are taking pictures of me. That’s what I do, but it is not who I am. ‘I never slept my way through Hollywood, so I never felt like I compromised. Apparently people do it, I didn’t. I felt like I never compromised myself because I’m a prude. I don’t know. I grew up Catholic. In my head I’m always thinking, ‘Oh God, can my grandma see this?

I’m kind of a prude, and I didn’t really understand. They would always ask me provocative questions about my sexuality, my this or that. Sometimes I would lie and say something that wasn’t true to make myself seem more interesting than I was. I mean, I didn’t even know how to walk in heels until I went to the Golden Globes for the first time.”

Did any of us ever think that Jessica Alba slurped on peen to get cast in such illustrious cinematic masterpieces as The Eye and Honey? Not at all. I don’t even know why she’s bringing it up. We all know that Jessica gets cast for her magnificent acting talent and her magnificent acting talent alone. I mean, the raw emotion that she exuded in The Fantastic Four… We all should’ve burned Hollywood Blvd. down when she didn’t get an Oscar for The Love Guru. Jessica Alba doesn’t get jobs because of her looks, tits and ass. Not at all! In fact, future historians will say that Jessica Alba was an underrated Laurence Olivier of her time, but with bigger tits.

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