Poor Pimp Mama Kris. She can buy the fanciest coats and esspensive heels and a Chanel handbag and pump $10,000 worth of fillers into her Silly Putty face and get her hair did and her claws done and buy all the Photoshop that Adobe can make, and she still can’t hold a candle to Bruce Jenner’s radiant beauty. He just makes it look so effortless. Just slips on a pair of jeans and a clean white t-shirt, throws his hair back into a ponytail, and it’s like Brigitte Bardot had a baby with Audrey Hepburn that was put up for adoption and raised by an issue of Vogue Paris magazine and a jar of La Mer. As the French would say: Je t’aime Brucie, vous êtes magnifique.
Bruce really should know better though; a true beauty never tries to upstage a bride at her wedding. Look Brucie, I understand that Kim Kardashian is an ugly hag and it’s not difficult to look gorgeous by comparison, but even a rotten frozen-faced jizz goblin like Kim deserves one day to feel like a princess. Wouldn’t you feel just terrible if as you were walking Kim down the aisle, Kanye became hypnotized by your beauty, pushed Kim out of the way and told the priest to marry you two instead? Nobody expects you to wear a bag over your head, just try to remember that as a flawless 10, you should always be considerate of the less fortunate-looking.
Here’s more of Bruce Jenner performing an act of charity by joining the Kardashian Family of Tacky Ghouls™ for dinner in Paris. As usual, Kim has been browsing the Celebrity Dresses section of the Faviana website and decided to wear an Angelina Jolie-inspired dress that showed off one of her ham hocks. And I’m calling her leg a ham hock, because it looks about as life-like and human as one of Miss Piggy’s foam puppet legs.