Halle Berry Says Her New Baby Is Sucking The Life Out Of Her

And now we know the face her nipples make when they see the rabid leche-hungry jaws of Halle Berry’s baby coming at them. Let’s see if we can’t get #Pray4Nips trending on Twitter, and when you get a second, call your mother and apologize profusely for destroying her titties (I’d say you should send over a muffin basket, but something about all those dry crusty pointed domes feels inappropriate).

I learned three things from Halle Berry during her appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show on Tuesday. The first is that when you have a baby at 47, they refer to it as a “geriatric pregnancy”. Yes, I just imagined a knocked-up granny interrupting bingo hour at Shady Acres to announce: “Excuse me, it appears I’ve either wet myself or my water broke!” Second, I learned that I need to start drinking whatever rare virgin dolphin oil Halle is drinking, because THAT’S 47?? Every wrinkle on the back of my corpse-looking hands just screamed at me to start taking care of myself.

But third, and most importantly, I learned that Halle Berry better stock up on that dolphin oil (Costco?) because her 7-month-old baby Maceo is bound to suck every ounce of life out through her titty spouts. Halle says that when her first baby Nahla was nursing, she drank like a dainty supermodel and gave her nipples plenty of time for Calgon baths and yoga retreats and shit. But second baby Maceo is a demon straight from Satan’s peen hole who chomps on her poor boobulars like he’s trying to get at the breast milk from her first pregnancy. And yes, that’s the face Baby Maceo makes when he’s feeding. You can see it for yourself around the 2:30 mark:

And now I must go set my hair and put on some White Diamonds, as my nipples are taking me out for a nice steak dinner as a way of saying thanks for treating them real good and never snagging them against a set of sharp baby teefs.