Grab a pillow, your best Snuggie (what, you don’t have more than one?), text your doctors at the sleep disorder clinic that you don’t need them anymore because you’ve found a guaranteed cure for your insomnia, and book the next flight to France so you can sneak into Kim Kardashian’s wedding reception and prepare to take the greatest, most satisfying nap of your life.
According to the Daily Mirror, the come-to-life collagen-plumped Ambien pill that is Lana Del Rey has agreed to perform at Kim’s wedding-themed pre-divorce attention-seeking spectacular on Saturday. Kanye West had originally tried to bribe Lana Del Taco to sing during the tacky proposal episode of KUWTK, but she declined, so he had a brass band play her song “Young and Beautiful” instead. But it looks like this time he backed a more significant dump truck full of cash into her driveway, because she’s agreed to sing “Young and Beautiful” during the wedding episode of Kim’s reality show.
The boring song, which was written for the ultra-boring The Great Gatsby remake, is apparently Kim’s favorite song (because she’s too dumb to understand the concept of irony) but it’s a good choice for a wedding song, since “I Love Money” is a bit too fast for a first dance, and Kanye wants to save “Gold Digger” for 72 days after the wedding.
Between Kim’s busted animatronic face and awful, nasal monotone voice, and Lana’s vacant expression and singing that sounds like a musical yawn, that reception will be so drowsy it will make The Hall of Presidents at Disney World feel like a night with Mad Max in the fucking Thunderdome. If Pimp Mama Kris wants anyone to stay awake long enough to give a shit, she better replace all the jordan almonds in the bombonieres with high-grade crack cocaine. “Hey mom (heavy breathing) what are you gonna do with all those almonds?” – Rob Kardashian.
Speaking of heavy breathing, here’s Kim looking like a tightly-packed sausage (what else is new, right?) and Kanye picking up the custom Spanx for the bridal party. Well, at least Kim’s Spanx; I mean, I only see 4 garment bags.