While some of us were taking in the Razzie-worthy performances of Beyonce and Jay-Z in the shitty, ridiculous trailer for their tour yesterday, Beyonce threw up a completely natural and not-at-all calculated precious family portrait on Tumblr. All those fake smiles say, “I better smile like I mean it or Tina Knowles is going to nibble off the rest of my soul.” No, I need to stop being so dramatic. Everything is fine and they’re totally healthy and they’re being a totally healthy and normal family in New Orleans. You can tell everything’s fine, because Jay-Z is keeping a safe distance from Basement Baby and is giving himself a head start just in case she wants to go for round 2. Basement Baby’s got her slapping hand ready for action if Jay-Z looks at her wrong and Tina Knowles’ got a stun gun pressed up against Basement Baby’s back, because she’s not going to let that kids table child refugee fuck with her money again.
Meanwhile, BeyonceBot is staring off into yonder thinking about puppies and Givenchy shorts. Totally natural! Totally normal!