The human vintage ukelele Etsy store that is Zooey Deschanel posted a SANS FARDS picture of herself this morning to Instagram and I’m shocked the whole universe didn’t collapse in on itself after a Hollywood type posted an actual picture of themselves without makeup, Photoshop, or 18 different filters to blow out every wrinkle and shadow on their face to Instagram. “FOR WHY?!?” said Madonna. “KILL IT WITH FIRE” said Kim Kardashian.
Obviously this isn’t the first time Zooey has let someone take a picture of herself without makeup and 80lbs of false eyelashes, but it’s the first time I actually believe it. When People showed what Zooey looked like without makeup two years ago, it was about as believable as Beyonce tagging an Instagram picture with #iwokeuplikethis (sorry Bey, it doesn’t count if your handlers power you down to refresh your paint and turn you back on when they’re done). She still had full hair and blush and lipstick; all they did was de-Bianca Del Rio her eyes.
But this is real. Her eyes have that red swollen quality of a baby ostrich freshly hatched from an egg. Her skin has that pasty bloated glow that comes from drinking too much wine the night before. Her hair is pulled back as if to say “I know the bangs are ok, but trust me, there is a nest of dreads being held together with a claw clip that you DO NOT want to smell.” I can practically smell her stale breath from here. Which is to say, bitch looks like she knows her way around a Friday night, so she gets two hungover thumbs up from me.