I am so SO sorry – I didn’t want that mental image either, but I figured if I was going to spend the next 24-hours dry heaving like Lloyd Christmas, I was taking all of you there with me. I know, I’m an awful, terrible bitch. Please send all hate mail to whatever toilet I’ll be hunched over till I’m able to get my hands on some industrial-stength brain bleach. But back to imagining Tori Spelling and The Deaner with a giant glass bowl filled with minivan keys. According to an exclusive story from Life & Style, (in association with the makers of Gravol, go on) an insider says that several years ago they attended a pool party thrown at Casa del Dirtbag, and things got very gross, very quickly:
According to the source, the couple were knocking back drinks and, after calling Tori the love of his life, Dean proceeded to offer her services to his friend!
“He said, ‘Try her!’ and proceeded to push Tori onto his friend’s lap,” the insider reveals to Life & Style.
Not that Tori resisted. Instead, according to the insider, she eagerly tried to kiss Dean’s friend — who was so mortified, he fled the party!
Mortified? I think you meant horrified. Tori Spelling looks like Janice the Muppet on a good day, so imagine what she’d look like after slithering out of a chlorinated pool? It would be like getting a kiss from Old Gregg. And I think the insider is forgetting a few details, because I also spoke to an “insider” from the same party, and they said this is how The Deaner offered up Tori to his friend:
“Hey man, what’s crappening? You like my sick pool party? I made those tiki torches myself by stuffing gasoline-soaked diapers into a couple empty beer cans I found in the shower. I’m all about DIY: “Dick In Ya”. For serious though, The Deaner’s tryna lose the old ball and chain so he can get his dick wet behind the tool shed. You mind taking her off my hands? Thanks bro.”
And in case that wasn’t enough to turn your stomach, here are some pictures of Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth running errands on Wednesday.