Justin Bieber’s Mom Raised A Good Man, Says Justin Bieber

There’s at least three words being used incorrectly in that sentence. First, Pattie Mallette isn’t a mother, she’s a lottery winner (“We meet every other Wednesday!” – Pimp Mama Kris). Second, good isn’t often used to describe things which are shitty and awful. Thirdly, only in the Jewish faith do boys become men at 13, and to the best of my knowledge, Justin Bieber is at least 5 years away from his 13th birthday.

But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, because the vocabulary of a child his age is limited to about 1,000 words, and he’s used almost all of them in a series to Tweets meant to dispel all the ugly stories from this week that make him out to be a spoiled, soggy arrowroot biscuit shit. Like the one about throwing an epic tantrum at a mini-golf course and being investigated for attempted robbery. Or the one about him hissing “bitch” at a woman during his shirtless horsie ride on Monday because she tried to take his picture, which isn’t as much a story, per se, as it is a video from TMZ that shows him calling a woman a bitch. But according to Justin, they’re all just awful rumors!

My mom raised me to be kind to others. I get judged, harassed, and I try to take the high road. Sometimes it isn't easy. But we keep trying

— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) May 15, 2014

I will continue to be the man my mother raised. I love people and I will try to be kind even when things are not fair. Don't believe rumors

— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) May 15, 2014

I wonder if any of this will be covered in Pattie Mallette’s next book, Raising a Man Like My Son (Chapter 4: Calling Women Bitches and Taking Responsibility For Nothing).

Here’s Vanilla Ice Cream Cone in New York City wearing a hat that looks like it wants nothing to do with him (“Hey wind? Do me a solid and blow me off this asshole’s head”). I still don’t understand why he keeps buying such huge hats; does he not realize that most men’s styles also come in children’s sizes?

Pics: Splash