In “SANTO DIOS, Let This Be True!” News: Bruce Jenner And Cher Are Dating

May 15, 2014 / Posted by:

File under: This is the kind of magic that happens when a creative writing major gets an internship at InTouch Weekly.

There’s only 6 answers to the question, “Who is fabulous and fancy enough to hold their own next to the glamorous swan Bruce Jenner?” The answers are: Harald Glööckler, Walter Mercado, Angelyne, Verdine White, a grey poodle in a red sequined smock and CHER! So that’s why this totally real and not-at-all made-up story from The Wall Street Journal of tabloids InTouch Weekly is Botoxed perfection covered in cotton candy-flavored lip gloss. A source (FYI: The name of InTouch’s intern is Alexander Source) says that Bruce Jenner is cleansing his palate of Pimp Mama Kris’ Satantic venom with the high-gloss, oil-based paint that Cher smears on her lips. The source went on to say that Cher and Bruce Jenner (couple name: BruChe. Saying “Broo-Shay” out loud will make a Barbie earring poot out of your b-hole. Yes, that’s where missing Barbie earrings go) have known each other since the 70s and lately they’ve been getting closer and closer and have spent time together at her house in Malibu.

“Cher has been a real confidante to Bruce about his marital problems with Kris,” an insider tells In Touch, explaining that although Cher and Bruce have been friends since the ’70s, they’ve recently been texting and talking nonstop. “They’ve become even closer since Bruce has been spending more time in Malibu — where Cher lives.”

And the recently rekindled friendship is seriously irking the 58-year-old momager. “Kris hasn’t completely given up on her marriage to Bruce yet, so she sees Cher as a threat,” the insider tells In Touch.

“Kris believes that a Bruce-Cher romance is a very real possibility,” says the insider, “and it really upsets her.”

Of course Pimp Mama Kris’ ass lips are getting hot over this. She’s the ambassador to Hell whose sole job is to bring darkness to the world and Cher is an earth angel whose sole job is to bring glitter, wigs and lightness to the world. This is the ultimate battle of good vs. cuntiness and Cher always wins. But who cares about PMK. This is about the most stunning couple of our time. They’re like the lesbian Siegfried and Roy. If the cross-dressing rumors about Bruce are true, then his porn must be Cher’s closet. When friends say, “Those two are so in love that they never leave the house,” they’re not lying.

When they’re not lip-synching to Cher’s songs while strutting around in her wigs and ass-less bedazzled bodysuits in her closet, they’re getting real intimate with each other. No, they don’t fuck. They both don’t want to ruin their makeup. On romantic nights, Cher slips into something more comfortable (read: a rhinestone encrusted hospital gown), gently grabs Bruce’s freshly manicured paw, leads him to a darkened room down the hall, sits him in a chair next to hers and then pulls out two gold syringes full of life’s beauty serum: BOTOX. They take turns filling each other’s faces with that hot sticky Botox and after they’ve repeatedly convulsed with pleasure, they get up and collapse on a faux fur rug where they lie down while talking about astrology for 3 hours. They’re the perfect couple. And no, I have no thoughts on the Ukraine situation, but I have a lot of thoughts about a fake story from InTouch. I’m a really well-rounded individual.

And here’s Bruce Jenner having a moment with the luckiest banana in the world on Mother’s Day:

Pics: Splash

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