Somewhere in a filthy, meth-scented mansion in Beverly Hills, Charlie Sheen is cackling at the top of his lungs while doing celebratory lines of Comet off a hooker’s tits with one hand and composing an incoherent Twitter poem for Ashton Kutcher with the other, because CBS announced today that after 12 seasons of watching Jon Cryer slowly die inside until he became an empty shell of a man, they would be ending Two and a Half Men.
Network president Nina Tassler, who sounds like a Swedish burlesque performer, said the final season of TV’s longest-running comedy (there’s your depressing thought of the day) would be a surprise-filled season-long finale event, and hinted that one of the shocking surprises might be Charlie Sheen. Having Charlie Sheen come back for an episode would be a surprise, but the greatest, most shocking surprise of all would be if they wrote an episode that was actually funny. But since that won’t happen, I’ll happily take an episode where Chuck Lorre brings back the half-man, Angus T. Jones, and lets him free associate his insane thoughts on religion for 22 minutes.
On the upside, the cancellation of Two and a Half Men means that Ashton Kutcher will be free to pursue what should be his true passion and life priority: writing and directing a sequel to Dude, Where’s My Car?