It looks like Donald Sterling isn’t going to sell off the Clippers for a half billion dollars and use that money to get scientists and engineers to build him a time machine so he can back to the 1800s and live his racist dream by owning a bunch of slaves. (“Take me wit you, Donnie!” – Paula Deen) Instead, the dehydrated orangutan hopped on the Damage Control Express by talking to Anderson Cooper about those tapes that his gold digging side piece V. Stiviano recorded of him spewing out all kinds of racist crap. Donald Sterling says that he’s not a racist and that V. Stiviano “baited” him into saying all those things that he obviously believes and says all the time out loud.
In an interview airing tonight on CNN’s Mah Boo 369Me, Donald Sterling tries his hardest to get the NBA to unban him, but someone in his PR team should’ve sat him in the corner with a tapioca pudding and told him to keep his dried lizard lips shut, because he does himself no favors. Donald Sterling claims that he can’t believe those words came out of his mouth and that his side piece is some kind of genius witch who tricked him into saying racist shit:
“When I listen to that tape, I don’t even know how I can say words like that. … I don’t know why the girl had me say those things,” he told CNN’s Anderson Cooper in an exclusive interview set to air on Monday.
“You’re saying you were set up?” Cooper asked.
“Well yes, I was baited,” Sterling said. “I mean, that’s not the way I talk. I don’t talk about people for one thing, ever. I talk about ideas and other things. I don’t talk about people.”
Nurse, come and get your patient, because I don’t even know what he’s trying to say. Donald then spit out a lukewarm stream of sorries and says that he doesn’t want this to hurt his relationship with the NBA. Donald says that he’s not a racist. No, he’s not a racist. He just hates black people!
“I’m not a racist,” Sterling told Cooper. “I made a terrible, terrible mistake. And I’m here with you today to apologize and to ask for forgiveness for all the people that I’ve hurt.”
Asked by Cooper why he took so long to say he’s sorry, Sterling said he was “emotionally distraught.”
“The reason it’s hard for me, very hard for me, is that I’m wrong. I caused the problem. I don’t know how to correct it,” he said.
Donald said that he hopes the league will give him another chance, because during the past 35 years he’s proven that he’s a wonderful member of humanity who has a pure heart and isn’t at all a bigoted pimple on society’s right ass lip.
“I’m a good member who made a mistake and I’m apologizing and I’m asking for forgiveness,” he said. “Am I entitled to one mistake, am I after 35 years? I mean, I love my league, I love my partners. Am I entitled to one mistake? It’s a terrible mistake, and I’ll never do it again.”
Now, Sterling said, his fate is in the league’s hands.
“If the owners feel I have another chance, then they’ll give it to me,” he said.
Donald Sterling’s right. He is entitled to one mistake. But well, he cashed that in years ago when he refused to rent his apartments to black people, Koreans and Latins. He should’ve said that he’s entitled to 4,569,238 mistakes after 35 years.
When the Silver Fox asked him if he has apologized to Magic Johnson for telling his side piece not to bring Magic to any Clippers games, he spit out this verbal shovel that dug another three inches into his grave.
“If I said anything wrong, I’m sorry,” Sterling said. “He’s a good person. I mean, what am I going to say? Has he done everything he can do to help minorities? I don’t think so. But I’ll say it, he’s great. But I don’t think he’s a good example for the children of Los Angeles.”
His PR person should’ve stopped him at “I’m sorry” by shoving a Wether’s in his mouth. Will somebody please put Donald Sterling in an elevator with Basement Baby and make sure there’s audio this time?