My ass lips are frozen and I think I’ve got hypothermia of the nipples, and it’s not because I made peen popsicles and overused them again. It’s because I’m in Denver where it currently looks like scenes from Nicole Kidman’s colonoscopy. Yes, I’m in Denver to cross off “pose in front of the Denver Carrington building from the Dynasty opening credits while wearing a power blazer with shoulder pads” off of my bucket list, but I’m also in Denver for a family thing and to spend as much time as possible at the most authentic and finest gourmet Mexican eatery Casa Bonita. Casa Bonita is this refined and elegant Mexican establishment in Lakewood, CO that is known for their ~SPECTACULAR~ diving show, signature sopapillas and food that probably tastes like Del Taco threw up on a pile of Taco Bell’s shit. In other words: Delicious! South Park paid tribute to Denver’s greatest attraction in 2003. This review from Yelp sold me on the fact that I must eat all my meals at Casa Bonita while I’m here.
Quite possibly the most revolting, repugnant, repulsive food in the history of the universe.
If you must go because your kids are bothering you to take them, do so while observing the following rules:
1. Do not — UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, including abject starvation — order anything with meat in it it.
2. Eat before you go there. You have to order food in order to stay, so get the cheapest thing on the menu, then play with the food and encourage your children to do the same.
3. The sopapillas are edible. This is not to say they’re good; no one said anything about good. The people who claim the sopapillas are good only say that because they are comparing them to the rest of the offerings. Compared to the rest of the food, the fetid stench of a deceased homeless man’s intestines would be appetizing.
4. Don’t go. Just stay home, eat Taco Bell, watch replays of Olympic diving, go to the bathroom several times afterward. That will give you the authentic Casa Bonita experience.
So since I’ll be spending most of my half-vacation in Denver dining at Casa Bonita and butt barfing my insides out on the toilet, I’ll only be posting a little and CAPTION THIS is taking a break. My partner in fuckery Allison will cover most of the foolery until I thaw out my b-hole when I get back to California on Wednesday.
And now, I leave you with pictures of ScarJo giving us pregnant face, corpse makeup and busted bandage shoes from the 90s while leaving the fancy British wedding of Princess Florence Von Preussen with her fiance Romain Dauriac who looks like Josh Harnett as Mason Verger.