Lindsay Lohan Swears Under Oath That She Totally Had That Miscarriage

May 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan is a lying liar with a history of lie-telling, so when she pushed out some salty freckled tears and admitted to suffering a miscarriage in the finale of Lindsay on OWN, most of grabbed a grain of salt and requested she have several seats, because there was a 99% chance (with a 1% margin of error) that the Apricot Ashtray had made the whole thing up as an excuse for fucking around and stalling production, and just generally being a drunk two-legged useless.

Now TMZ says that Lindsay has taken her miscarriage story all the way to a court of law. One year ago, Lohan was sued for $5 million by D.N.A.M. Apparel, the company that made her 6126 line of leggings, for being a dumb drunk druggie mess who made it impossible for them to sell any of her expensive stretch pants. They put the law suit on hold while she went to rehab, but when Lohan was finally released (“Thanks for the vacay, see you next year!”) she failed to respond to the lawsuit, so she lost the case. But because nothing is ever Lohan’s fault and taking responsibility is for suckers, she’s sworn in court documents that the reason for ignoring the lawsuit is this:

“I have been overwhelmed since leaving rehab and dealing with my sobriety and a miscarriage.”

Leave it to the Apricot Ashtray to trot out a miscarriage, phony or not, as an excuse to why she ignored a $5 million lawsuit. Not to mention it was totally unnecessary; she could have just scrawled “I’M A LOHAN” in coke residue all over the court documents, and the judge would have nodded his head in agreement, accepted that as a valid excuse, and thrown out the lawsuit on the grounds of being foolish enough to go into business with Lindsay Lohan.

And speaking of coke heads, according to The Sunday Times, the party rats of Britain snort so much blow that their coke-piss has contaminated the drinking water. Upon hearing the news that Britain has tuned into a real-life Willy Wonka land of cocaine drinking fountains, Lohan frantically packed a suitcase and high-tailed it across the pond, where for the first time in her life when she says she’s drinking water she’ll actually be drinking water. Here’s more of Lohan and a poor dog in London, who no doubt died of an overdose after posing with her, as well as Lohan posing with the owner of G-A-Y, Jeremy Joseph, and his dog Jacob, who’s probably fine because he’s built up a high-tolerance from years of drinking coke-piss out of the toilets.

Pics: Splash, Wenn

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