When Simon Cowell busted a bareback fur-filled nut (don’t tell me he doesn’t jizz out fluffy chest hairs) into his best friend’s girl back in August, I slow-clapped for what was the trifecta of shame-filled baby making: home wrecking, obvious gold digging, and humping on Simon Cowell (I know there are sluts that WOULD, but there’s something sinister about the way he parts his hair down the middle that makes my down-low parts clamp shut). But I think we could all agree, the whoops-a-baby Simon Cowell put into Lauren Silverman was probably going to be a one-time deal.
However, Lauren Silverman seems to think that her and Simon are 2014’s version of the Heart Family, because she told the Mirror (via The Daily Mail) that they’re planning on having more children, and that Simon really wants a girl. She also went on to say that Simon is an “amazing dad, very hands-on” with three-month-old baby Eric.
Is today Foolish Gold-Digger Day at Dlisted or what? Someone needs to remind Lauren that if you say your gold digging wish out loud it won’t come true, and that by flapping her gums to a newspaper she just jinxed herself out of a second paycheck baby. Everyone knows you’re supposed to act like you don’t want another baby; that way it makes the shocked reaction you practiced a tiny bit more believable when the little blue dollar-sign appears in the window of your Opportunist’s Choice™ pregnancy test. Meanwhile, Simon’s probably already gotten a double vasectomy to make sure he doesn’t accidentally pop another paycheck into Lauren and lose any more of his beloved money.
Here’s Simon and Lauren at an event in London Thursday night. I know it’s written into Simon’s life contract that he always has to flaunt his hair-filled cleavage crack, but looking like the assistant salsa dance instructor on a senior’s cruise ship is not the way to do it.