Bruce Willis Is Somebody’s Father For The Fifth Time

May 7, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m sure there’s a Fifth Element joke in there somewhere, but all I can think of is that the fifth element is Bruce Willis’s powerful pepaw jizz, and that makes no goddamn sense, because I’m positive you won’t find semen on the periodic table (unless you went to my high school, which was filled with perverted degenerates; in which case, yes, there is semen on the periodic table).

Pop a congratulatory can of Pringles for Rumer Willis and The Other Two (Scout and..uh…Bruce II?), because Us Weekly says that on Monday, Bruce’s wife, 35-year-old model Emma Heming-Willis, was presented with the award for excellence in the field of gold digging by birthing the couple’s second child together, Evelyn Penn Willis. Bruce and Emma already have a 2-year-old, Mabel Ray. Us Weekly also says that Baby Evelyn clocked in at nearly 9 lbs, so send your thoughts and prayers to Emma’s vagina. If that baby is like the older three and inherited her daddy’s massive cranium, she no doubt left a devastating trail of destruction on her way out.

Evelyn is pretty, but that middle name made me immediately think of Sean Penn, which caused me to hiss in Bruce’s general direction. No innocent child should ever be associated with a sunburnt taint wrinkle. Get CPS on line one, I want to find out if that’s considered child abuse or not.

Pic: Splash

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