Adam Levine Somehow Found A Way To Make Himself Look Douchier

May 4, 2014 / Posted by:

My thoughts and prayers go out to that pussy in the middle of that pussy collage tank who’s obviously making a “Dear God, for why have I been forced to be seen with this douche?” look.

Adam Levine looked in the mirror one day and thought to himself, “Hmm, I wonder how I can make myself look even sleazier?” The little douche devil sitting on his shoulder whispered into his ear, “Bleach your hair.” So that’s what he did. Yesterday, Adam tweeted this picture of him showing off his new Spike from Buffy hair next to the fiancee he’ll probably dump in a few months for a younger Victoria’s Secret Angel. When I was a teenager, I tried bleaching my hair several times, because that’s what teenagers do. Every time I’d bleach my hair, most of my hair would fall out. My friend told me that my hair was doing me a favor, because if the blond stayed on my head, I’d look like a Santa Monica Blvd. meth whore. Her comments hurt me extra hard, because the Santa Monica Blvd. meth whore look was the look I was trying to go for. Anyway, Adam’s hair did him no favors, because it stayed in his head and he looks a mess.

That blond hair is really elongating his sixhead. He went from having a sixhead to having a RiRihead. He looks like the villain from Desperately Seeking Susan’s equally as creepy son. He looks like a NYC video store clerk from the 90s who jacks off under the counter while watching ladies bend over to pick out a movie on the bottom shelf. And that blue steel pose. More like blue foil.

And yes, yes, I would, but only so I could find out if he bleached his dick bush too.

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