People Magazine Somehow Got A Well-Lit, Up-Close, Perfectly Posted Picture Of Amal Alamuddin’s Engagement Ring

Poor George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin. They can’t even go to a private dinner party without a photographer and crew (which they invited) setting up lights around them and taking pictures as his publicist moves their arms around to find the perfect pose that looks totally casual and not-at-all staged. Why won’t everybody just leave this totally private couple alone?!

In this week’s issue of People are pictures of George and his brand new fiancee Amal at the birthday dinner party for his best bro friend Rande Gerber in Santa Barbara, CA last weekend. People posted the big version of both pics and in one totally natural pic, he’s clutching onto a glass (that’s probably filled with prop champagne) as they both make the same far-off look your kid makes when they get their picture taken and the photographer’s assistant waves a stuffed animal at them. The second picture is a close-up of Amal’s 7-carat emerald cut diamond ring. The pictures almost make Kim Kardashian’s televised wedding look like a last-minute elopement.

We get it. George Clooney is a private person who would never whore out pictures of his fiancee’s engagement ring for attention, but those pictures are about as subtle as a Heidi and Spencer production. It would’ve been much more subtle if Amal would’ve come out of The Ivy with Phoebe Price and Courtney Stodden and just as they got to the swarm of paparazzi that George’s publicist called, the macaroni and cheese she ate suddenly gave her a case of heartburn and she clutched her chest while “accidentally” showing off her ring. What an amateur job. George should’ve consulted with seasoned STUNT QUEENS to learn how to do it right.

People also has EXCLUSIVO details of the engagement:

In PEOPLE’s cover story, sources reveal more details of the surprise engagement. On April 22, Clooney proposed the traditional way – on bended knee.

The actor had visited Dubai in March to meet his Lebanese-born, Oxford-educated leading lady’s family, spending time on a yacht excursion with her siblings, says a relative of Alamuddin’s.

“They found George very easy to get along with, cool,” the family member tells PEOPLE. “They felt at ease with him immediately.”

I’m sure we’ll see the touching proposal in their reality show, I mean “docu-series,” on OWN.

That Time Jennifer Lawrence Drunk Barfed In Front Of Miley Cyrus At An Oscars After-Party

When America’s coolest girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence fell on the red carpet at the Academy Awards this year, 99.9999% of us rolled one eye onto the other to signal the birth of another great moment in Hollywood stunt queen history. But it sounds like our bitchy eyeballs might owe Jennifer Lawrence an apology for throwing her shade, because when she ate shit on the red carpet, it might not have been intentional. According to Us Weekly, Jennifer admitted on a taping of Late Night With Seth Meyers that she had a major case of the drunks on Oscar night. Stars, they’re just like us!

JLaw did her best impression of a badass 10th grader who never shows up on time for 3rd period social studies by telling Seth Meyers that she was so “wasted” at the Oscars this year, she covered the stairs at Madonna’s after-party with booze-soaked pizza chunks. The only person to catch her doing so was Miley Cyrus, who walked by and told her to “Get it together, girl”. When a freon-huffing panty-eating possum tells you to “Get it together”, it’s time to drop what you’re doing and call Iyanla to fix your life.

I’m sure some people will be clutching their pearls and wagging their finger at JLaw for trivializing the institution of the Academy Awards by getting right ripped and blowing chunks, but this feels like a low-level offence to me. Honestly, who of us hasn’t ever gotten next-level hammered to pass the time at a boring party? Exactly. Besides, this is Hollywood; getting drunk at the Oscars and hurling all over the stairs at an after party is nooooothing, especially after hearing about the pool parties at Brian Singer’s house. The bar for obscene tinseltown debauchery has been raised, Jennifer Lawrence; get back to me when you’ve got a story about you, Billy Ray Cyrus, and Wilson the Monkey snorting 2lbs of coke out of Bradley Cooper’s butthole in a washroom stall at the People’s Choice Awards.

The NBA Will Have To Pry The Clippers Out Of Donald Sterling’s Cold, Dead, Racist Hands

When the NBA hit Clippers owner Donald Sterling with a lifetime ban for mouth farting out some racist foolery, I figured he’d really show them and have the last laugh by dropping dead two seconds later. I thought he was going to pull some, “You can’t break up with me, because I’m going to break up with you fir-*croak*” shit. But Donald Sterling isn’t going quietly into his plantation house. The commissioner of the NBA, Adam Silver, said yesterday that he will try to force Donald Sterling to sell the Clippers, but that old racist coot isn’t going to just sell the team, take his check for half-a-billion dollars, retire from the sports world and use some of that money to remake his favorite movie Goodbye Uncle Tom. He’s going to fight.

James Gray of Fox News (via SI) talked to Donald Sterling on the phone after bitch got banned by the NBA and he said he’ll never put a for sale sign on the Clippers.

“I just spoke with Donald Sterling on the telephone just moments ago. He is unaware of what is going to happen to him. He has not been notified [of his impending punishment by Silver]. He also said he really didn’t want to comment on the record, however the team is not for sale and he will not be selling the team.”

Adam Silver said he needs a three-fourths majority vote of owners to force Edwin Epps’ grandson to sell and many of the owners are with him. So if Adam Silver gets the votes, Donald Sterling will fight and they’ll go to court where all the recordings that V. Stiviano has of her sugar daddy saying racist shit are just going to start falling from the sky.

The Clippers aren’t officially for sale yet and there’s already a line of buyers forming. Gay billionaire David Geffen (net worth: $6.2 billion) has already said that he’ll pull out his wallet if the Clippers goes up for sale. David Geffen better slather his face in Crisco and stick razors in his hair glue razors to his bald head, because he’s got some competition in Malcolm in the Middle. Frankie Muniz IS going to buy the Clippers. Frankie’s net worth is supposedly $40 million and that’s far away from $575 million, but never underestimate a delusional, shameless fuck who is not proud enough to stroll into a Check Into Cash and cash a post-dated check for $535 million.

Josh Hartnett Was Offered The Role Of Batman, Superman, And Spiderman, Says Josh Hartnett

Seen here looking like a budget Wild West version of Inigo Montoya on the set of Showtime’s Penny Dreadful (speaking of dreadful: THAT WIG) Josh Hartnett – the man you may know as the star of hundreds of Teen People magazine covers from the early 2000s – gave an interview to Details where he talked about why he disappeared for the past 10 years and did a bunch of low-budget indie movies. You’d think the answer is that it’s because he was replaced by a fresher group of hunks who moved in and took all the pretty boy roles, but according to Josh, that’s totally not true, because he was so desirable in Hollywood, that he was offered EVERY SUPERHERO ROLE:

“Spider-Man was something we talked about. Batman was another one. But I somehow knew those roles had potential to define me, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be labeled as Superman for the rest of my career. I was maybe 22, but I saw the danger.”

He then went on to say: “Captain America? That was written for me. Thor? Turned it down. In fact, I was offered every role in The Avengers, even Black Widow and Nick Fury. I also turned down the role of “Avatar” in Avatar, “Hit Girl” in Kick Ass, and Adam Driver’s role in that new Star Wars movie. Also Adam Driver’s role on Girls. Which brings me to all the roles I turned down in Mean Girls…”

Pic: Wenn

Bob Hoskins Has Died

It took me way too long to decide which pictures of Bob Hoskins picture to go. My childhood argued with itself on whether I should use Roger Rabbit Bob Hoskins or Super Mario Bob Hoskins or Hook Bob Hoskins. I couldn’t decide, so I just went with topless Bob Hoskins. Everybody loves a topless Bob Hoskins.

In sad news for your Wednesday news, Oscar-nominated British actor Bob Hoskins (born name: Robert William Hoskins Jr.) went up to heaven last night after suffering from pneumonia for a long time. He was 71. Bob Hoskins’ 40-year-long acting career started on the stage and after starring in the BBC mini-series Pennies From Heaven, he got his big break when he was cast in 1980’s The Long Good Friday with Helen Mirren. In the 80s, Bob was in Pink Floyd The Wall, Brazil, The Cotton Club and Mona Lisa, which got an Oscar nomination for. And then starting in 1988, Bob starred in a bunch of movies which I’m sure most of us watched over and over again until the VHS tape warped out. Bob was in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Hook, Mermaids and Super Mario Bros. And even after his long, successful, award-winning career, Heaven’s door bitch probably said to him, “I loved you in Spice World!”

Bob’s last movie was 2012’s Snow White and the Huntsman. He retired that year after he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s.

And while reading about Bob Hoskins this morning, I found this fun maybe-fact that I’m not sure is true, but it made me love him even more:

Fun fact: Dustin Hoffman and Bob Hoskins decided secretly that they’d play Hook and Smee as a gay couple. When Spielberg, the director, found out, he was furious.

Rest in peace, Bob Hoskins.

The Deaner Says That He Contemplated Suicide After Cheating On Tori Spelling

On the most recent episode of Fame WhORI (I can’t with a good conscience write the True in True Tori, because that melodrama is scripted tighter than an episode of Mad Men) everyone’s favorite beady-eyed bangaholic gold-digging dirtbag Deano “The Deaner” McDermott revealed to Tori Spelling, the actress hired to play their therapist, and the dead-inside 20-person camera crew paid to follow them around that after he confessed to cheating on Tori, he was so distraught he considered taking his own life by jumping out a window:

“And I’ve been looking at that crack in the window, and I remember looking at that crack that day, and while we were waiting for the EMTs, I was thinking, ‘I’ve got a window of opportunity here’—no pun intended—’to kick that out, because it’s already broken, and just dive out.’

“I sit here today, looking at it, and I know I will not take my life. My life means a lot to me right now, where it didn’t for so many, so many years. My life means something today and my life means something because I’m getting the help I need and I’m surrounded by love and support.”

Wow, first they hospitalize Tori, and now The Deaner is talking about leaping from windows? What do the script writers have planned next? A long-lost evil twin sister with an eye patch returns demanding her share of the family estate? Because that’s about as believable as what’s happening now, especially since we have more than enough evidence that True Tori is a fabricated pile of lies.

And you know how I know Deano’s monologue is probably lies? Because if he’d actually spoken from the heart, it would have sounded more like this:

“Hey Tori, let me tell you what’s been crappenin’ up in the ol’ noggin. When I got caught passing The Deaner’s wandering peener to anything with a pulse and a visible whale tail, I was super bummed out, and I was like ‘Fuck it Deano, just throw yourself out the window’. But then I remembered that I loved being married to Tori Spelling, and I was like, no way man, keep it sleazy, don’t jump.”

Forget True Tori, I would literally do anything for a show called Definitely Deaner.