The Deaner Says That He Contemplated Suicide After Cheating On Tori Spelling

April 30, 2014 / Posted by:

On the most recent episode of Fame WhORI (I can’t with a good conscience write the True in True Tori, because that melodrama is scripted tighter than an episode of Mad Men) everyone’s favorite beady-eyed bangaholic gold-digging dirtbag Deano “The Deaner” McDermott revealed to Tori Spelling, the actress hired to play their therapist, and the dead-inside 20-person camera crew paid to follow them around that after he confessed to cheating on Tori, he was so distraught he considered taking his own life by jumping out a window:

“And I’ve been looking at that crack in the window, and I remember looking at that crack that day, and while we were waiting for the EMTs, I was thinking, ‘I’ve got a window of opportunity here’—no pun intended—’to kick that out, because it’s already broken, and just dive out.’

“I sit here today, looking at it, and I know I will not take my life. My life means a lot to me right now, where it didn’t for so many, so many years. My life means something today and my life means something because I’m getting the help I need and I’m surrounded by love and support.”

Wow, first they hospitalize Tori, and now The Deaner is talking about leaping from windows? What do the script writers have planned next? A long-lost evil twin sister with an eye patch returns demanding her share of the family estate? Because that’s about as believable as what’s happening now, especially since we have more than enough evidence that True Tori is a fabricated pile of lies.

And you know how I know Deano’s monologue is probably lies? Because if he’d actually spoken from the heart, it would have sounded more like this:

“Hey Tori, let me tell you what’s been crappenin’ up in the ol’ noggin. When I got caught passing The Deaner’s wandering peener to anything with a pulse and a visible whale tail, I was super bummed out, and I was like ‘Fuck it Deano, just throw yourself out the window’. But then I remembered that I loved being married to someone who might one day hit the Candy Spelling lottery, and I was like, no way man, keep it sleazy, don’t jump.”

Forget True Tori, I would literally do anything for a show called Definitely Deaner.

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