The battered, beaten and broken horse skeleton that is the sanctity of marriage better lay down the tarp and put on a mask, because here comes Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West to shit all over it. TMZ somehow magically learned (read: Pimp Mama Kris sweetly whispered it into Harvey Levin’s ear during a quick kuddle session in the Illuminati lounge) that Kanye will do one of the dumbest things he’s ever done (and that’s saying everything since the list of dumb things he’s done is longer than the line to touch Bruce Jenner’s mane) by marrying into that herd of whores.
TMZ’s “source” says that sometime this week, an official from the courthouse will come to Kim and Kuntye’s house in L.A. and marry them in a “low-key” ceremony. Kim and Kanye supposedly wanted to keep it on the down-low (HAHAHAHAHA) and so they got a confidential marriage license, but the “news” somehow leaked like Kanye’s b-hole when he looks at his beautiful self in the mirror. A month after they get pre-divorced in California, they’ll take their asses to Paris to get married again in a $28 million dollar wedding that I’m sure will be filmed for a 28-episode E! special that’ll be sponsored by Divorce.com.
So I’m going to guess that PMK’s idea of “low-key” is 4 kustom-made Givenchy wedding dresses instead of 8 and a kamera krew of 30 will film it all for another E! special instead of a kamera krew of 90. Lucifer’s currently busy counseling one of his minions Donald Sterling, so he can’t make it to the low-key ceremony, but I’m sure he’ll be the witness at the big blow-out wedding in Paris.
In other Kanye news you definitely care about, his 17-year-old protégée Pia Mia posted some suspect shit on Instagram recently and some think she’s hinting that Kanye’s fucking her on the side. Pia Mia threw up a photo of herself and wrote, “@TheOtherWomanMovie trailer…story of my life.” Hollywood Life thinks she’s letting it be known that she’s Kanye’s side trick and a source said he talks to her flirty-like on the phone:
“Kanye called her and the conversation sounded kind of flirty and romantic. It could be that they are just good friends but it was definitely more than just a professional call.”
I see what Kanye is doing. Kanye is making up rumors that he’s boning a 17-year-old so he’ll get arrested and can’t marry Kim since he’ll be in jail. But Kanye is forgetting one very important thing. His marriage to Kim will be declared NULL, VOID and ILLEGAL after officials find out that he’s already legally married to his real soulmate: himself.
Here’s Pia Mia at some charity event a couple of weeks ago wearing the “Banjee Girl” outfit that Courtney Act wore on Ru Paul’s Drag Race last night. Fun fact: If you say “Pia Mia” really fast, it sounds like what Kim would excitedly scream at Ray-J during fuck times. Pee-Ahn-Mee-ah!