Amal Alamuddin’s Law Firm Confirms The End Of The World Is Near

If you told your job that you’re engaged, your boss would probably slowly bust out a manufactured smile before telling you that you better not be planning a late-summer wedding because the third quarter books aren’t going to wrap up by themselves. But when Amal Alamuddin (Side Note: And I still read her name as Anal a la Muddin, which sounds like something you’d find on the services menu of a rent boy who gets into scat play for the right price.) gets engaged to George Clooney, her job lets the world know that it’s true, one of their lawyers is getting married to the dude whose dick would curl up into the fetal position every time it heard the word “marriage.” Doughty Street Chambers released this statement to everybody:

“The barristers and staff of Doughty Street Chambers offer their best wishes and congratulations to Ms. Amal Alamuddin, a member of Chambers, and Mr. George Clooney on their engagement to be married.”

George Clooney’s mom Nina Clooney also confirmed he’s engaged to The Daily Mail:

“You can say I’m extremely happy, Amal’s a lovely girl. I like her very much.”

At first I thought that George Clooney was just looking for some attention or found out he’s going to die in a few months, but it kind of makes sense to me now. George is getting old and when we all get old, we want someone in our lives who swore to the gods above that they’d wipe the drool off of our face, help us off the toilet after we peed sitting down and give us an unwrapped Werther’s Original before changing the bed sheets we accidentally pissed on in the middle of the night. George Clooney decided he should probably get someone who is highly educated. I mean, would you trust Sarah Larson to quickly unwrap a Wether’s Original for you without asking, “How do I unwrap this Werther’s Original?“