“Legend has it that up on Douchebag Mountain, there lives a 10-foot tall human bottle of Summer’s Eve who sleeps on a pile of trucker hats and white v-neck t-shirts, and feasts on the phone numbers of cocktail waitresses and part-time models. Could be real. Could just be douchebag folklore, like a Squintsquatch or The Abominable Snowslut. We might never know.”
The reason why Ashton Kutcher is dressed up like Jessie the Cowgirl’s loser ex-boyfriend who sells his Grandma’s pills on Craigslist for a living is because he’s at the Stagecoach Music Festival is happening this weekend in Indio, CA. Stagecoach is kind of like Coachella’s chicken-friend cousin; just swap out the feathered headdresses for cowboy hats and cowboy boots (basically, take Vanessa Hudgens and put her in Tami Taylor drag). But Ashton Kutcher didn’t stop at cowboy hat and cowboy boots. He went full rodeo clown (you never go full rodeo clown) with some Simple Jack coveralls and a neckerchief. All that’s missing is a cap gun and a plastic Sherrif badge, and he’d look like he should be begging his mom for a horsie ride at the grocery store.
Here’s more of Hopalong Kutcher at Stagecoach, along with Mila Kunis, who deserves a 10-minute standing ovation for agreeing to been seen in public with Ashton dressed the way he is. Not to mention the fact that he probably started dropping the Gs from the ends of words and kept referring to Mila as ‘mighty purdy-lookin‘.