Goopy Paltrow does everything better than everybody else. Goopy’s marriage was better than your marriage. Goopy’s shits are better than your shits. So of course her divorce is going to be better than everybody else’s divorce. After Goopy shoved a flax seed and dolphin amniotic fluid enema up her life’s b-hole and flushed out Chris Martin, she posted some crap on Goop from “experts” who think that divorce happens so often nowadays because we live longer and we’re not meant to be with one person for more than 10 years. Goopy got a divorce, because she’s just really evolved and way more evolved than all of us. Some source tells Radar that Goopy keeps bragging about how perfect her divorce is and all her friends are over it, which is surprising to me since most of her friends seem about as pretentious as she is (see: this pic).
“’Conscious uncoupling’ has become a joke among Gwyneth’s friend. All she’s doing is bragging about how peaceful her divorce is and how she and Chris planned it so perfectly that it is hardly disrupting their lives. Gwyneth has always thought she had the most perfect life and even though she’s getting a divorce and both of them are getting bad press she doesn’t care. She has become insufferable saying how happy she is with the way everything is evolving.”
Let me fix that for you, source: “She’s ALWAYS been insufferable.” There, that’s better.
Of course their break up hasn’t disrupted their lives. Before they publicly broke up, they were probably sleeping in different mansions and passing their fuck parts to different tricks and the only time they’d see each other’s faces was for a scheduled “we’re still together” public appearance. Not much has changed. The only thing that has really changed is that Chris Martin can now go to In-N-Out in his own car and he doesn’t have to wear a disguise. That’s probably why things are going so smoothly. Let a bitch have a Double Double and he’ll give you anything you want including custody of Jay-Z and Beyonce.