Because One Wedding Wouldn’t Be Enough To Accommodate Their Massive Egos, Kimye Are Having Three

April 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Really? Money-hungry attention whores are milking as much as they can out of an upcoming publicity stunt? You don’t say. I’m so surprised. To quote the great Clark Griswold: “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.”

But of course they’re having three weddings. Frankly, I’m shocked that Kanye West and Real Doll Kim aren’t planning 72 weddings, one for each day they’ll be married. But for now, Radar says that they’re just planning three: one in Southern California, and two in France. The reason they’re having so many goddamned weddings is because their lawyers have advised them to make it legal in the U.S. before they get married in France to avoid any weird legal paperwork when they return home. Newsflash, lawyers: that drowsy hooker is getting “married” for an episode of her reality TV show. A napkin with the words ‘Marriage Certificate’ written in pasta sauce would work just fine.

So now instead of one tacky, tasteless wedding-themed Botox commercial, we’ll have three tacky, tasteless wedding-themed Botox commercials. On the upside, three weddings means three chances for Kim to spend some time with North West, if she even remembers to bring her. “I feel like I forgot something…oh yeah, that baby thing. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll remember it for the next wedding.” (cut to the next wedding: “I feel like I forgot something…”)

Now to the other side of the parenting coin, here’s a mother who always knows where her babies are and how much money they’re making at any given moment (a good pimp always keeps tabs on the merchandise) Pimp Mama Kris, who is giving me serious Gozer the Gozerian vibes. Well, you know, if Gozer was 1000x more evil, soulless, super into shitty plastic surgery, and sold her children like livestock. And the next time Khloe is on RuPaul’s Drag Race, she needs to get a fucking lesson on padding, because that lumpy throw pillow ass is a damn joke.

Pics: Splash

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