I can hear the Xander Jones truthers now: “YOU MEAN ”A PARENT FOR THE SECOND TIME’, RIGHT? HE’S ALREADY SOMEBODY’S PARENT! YOU CAN’T DENY THE EVIDENCE!”
The Year of the Diaper Genie has once again bestowed upon us another poopy blessing, this time to the home of Kenyan marathon fuckers Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis. On Wednesday night, Olivia announced she’d evicted the tiny freeloader living rent-free in her uterus (I literally just pictured a fetus in sweatpants eating Doritos and laughed for a solid 60 seconds, which tells me I should probably cool it on the morning booze) by tweeting a vaguely-artsy picture of her snuggin’ on her new baby son with the caption:
Ladies and gentlemen, Otis Alexander Sudeikis has LEFT the building! (I’m the building)
First off, congratulations Olivia and Jason, mazel to you, babies are a gift, life is precious, etc. Now that that’s out of the way, Otis Sudeikis? Ain’t nobody got time for all those S sounds, especially somebody with a bit of a lisp like me. Every time I try to say “Otis Sudeikis”, I sound like a drunk Cindy Brady (although it’s not really Otis’s fault; I always sound like a drunk Cindy Brady). At least they were kind enough to throw Alexander in there to give my mouth a 4-syllable break from snake hissing. Thanks guys, I appreciate it.
Alright, now back to analyzing that black and white picture of baby Otis. “See that curve at the top of his ear? You’ll notice that Xander Jones shares an almost identical-looking ear curve. Coincidence? OF COURSE NOT!!!”