Miley Cyrus Is Out Of The Hospital, Y’all!

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

The Center for Hillbilly Disease Control can breathe a sigh of relief and re-hire the hundreds of employees they were forced to lay off after business dropped to an all-time record low over a week ago, because according to E! News the pussy poppin’ possum has been released from the hospital and is back on the streets! “Where’s my anti-fungal cream?!?” – The Streets.

After being hospitalized for an allergic reaction to soap antibiotics and having to postpone several shows on her tour, one of TIME’s 100 Most Influential People (it hurt me to type that as much as it hurt you to read it) Miley Cyrus has finally been released from the hospital after receiving a clean a bill of health (well, as clean a bill of health as someone who’s growing mushrooms on their tongue is able to receive, anyway). A source close to Miley (her bong) tells E! that Miley is feeling much better, and that the European leg of her tour is still on.

While I’m sure Miley is thrilled to be out of the hospital (or as the Cyrus family calls it, “the vet which be for people”), I bet the hospital staff are more thrilled. I knew a nurse (listen to me, bragging that I know employed people) and she used to paint my nightmares with shit-and-piss-filled horror stories. And I knew they were true, because one time when I was a patient at a Florida hospital I pissed on the floor. Sure, it was Florida, so the nurse just shrugged her shoulders like ‘Meh, nothing I haven’t seen at Walmart’, but still. Imagine having Miley as a patient? Every time you’d enter the room, you’d find her rubbing her itchy hillbilly hole on a jar of tongue depressors or wearing the inflatable arm cuff from a blood pressure meter as underwear. And you couldn’t even threaten her with sedation, because her body would be like “Drugs? Did someone say drugs?! Hell yeah, let’s fuckin’ paaaaaarttaaayyyy!!!”

Pic: TIME

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