If I lay a fart and someone asks me, “Did you fart?”, I’ll gladly admit it. But if someone asks me if I watch Nashville, I will pause for a minute while I’m deciding if I want to tell the truth and bring shame upon myself (and that’s saying a lot) and my family. I love Nashville, even though I sometimes don’t admit it, and that is why this news has made me put my hands over my childhood’s eyes while screaming, “DON’T READ THIS! IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!”
The Hollywood Reporter says that the most important cinematic event of our time, the Jem and the Holograms movie, has already started shooting and producers have announced who’s playing Jem and the Holograms. Aubrey Peeples is Jem. Aubrey plays Layla Grant on Nashville and next to that pill-popping ostrich Scarlett, she’s the most annoying character on that shit. Layla is some reality show runner-up who is so damn dumb that she doesn’t realize her country singer boyfriend loves dick and is using her as a beard. So basically, Layla’s based on Taylor Swift. And now Layla’s going to be Jem.
Producers also announced that a bunch of girls I’ve never heard of will play the Holograms. Stefanie Scott is Kimber, Aurora Perrineau is Shana and Hayley Kiyoko is Aja.
The truth is, who really cares who plays Jem. It’s all about Pizzazz and if they announce that Pizzazz will be played by a trick named Ashley Greene or a trick named Vanessa Hudgens, Hollywood will drown in the slaughtered bodies of the childhoods of every ho who grew up in the 80s.
The teaser poster is after the cut and it makes Jem and the Holograms look like a low-budget indie thriller directed by someone who thinks they’re the next Soderbergh. Why so serious?