“Hello, is this the complains department for TIME magazine? My name is Beyoncé and I’m calling to let you know about several mistakes I found on the cover of your latest issue. First of all, it says “The 100 Most Influential People” but I believe it should actually say “The 1 Most Influential Perfect, Beautiful, Talented, Humble Person” with an arrow pointing to myself. Secondly, the word TIME is in a larger font size than the word BEYONCÉ. Finally, it appears someone has replaced my picture with a photo of a sad malnourished afghan hound.”
TIME magazine has released its annual issue of the 100 Most Influential People, the cover of which was given to (correction, bestowed upon) Her Majesty of the People’s Republic of the Universe, Queen Beyoncé. Well, at least what I think is Beyoncé. It could also be the missing 3rd Knowles sister, Crawlspace Kid. Whereas Basement Baby gets to pop up from the basement from time to time (usually when the family is out at The Cheesecake Factory), Crawlspace Kid remains stuck in the crawlspace, fighting off rats in her underwear and using an old Austin Powers in Goldmember poster as a blanket.
Because God and Barack Obama were clearly busy, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg stepped in to write about what makes Beyoncé so influential and powerful and beautiful (why yes, I am making the universal hand gesture for jerking off). She says of Beyoncé:
“Beyoncé doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one.”
“She raises her voice both on- and offstage to urge women to be independent and lead.”
“Her secret: hard work, honesty and authenticity.”
I think I found another mistake. Sheryl probably meant to write: “Her secret: high-quality lacefronts, a good lip-synch coach, and a Photoshop iPhone app”
And somewhere in Hell, Satan is telling every demon to drop what they’re doing and start making a bunch of fake TIME magazine covers with Kim Kardashian’s face on them. “Look, it’s just easier this way. I really don’t want a visit from Pimp Mama Kris.”