Pete Doherty’s Is Somebody’s Father For The Third Time

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

A strange things keeps happening… Human women are still willingly fucking Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty without lining their coochie tunnels with Tyvek and covering themselves with liquid antibiotics before squeezing into two full-body condoms specially made by NASA. Human chicks with working brains are still letting Dreamboat bust raw nuts up in ’em and I’m guessing those chicks are the same kind of chicks who fap while watching zombie porn. Dreamboat tells the Israeli newspaper Ynet (via Crave) that he’s into reuniting with The Libertines, but only because his checking account has got tumbleweeds blowing through it, his wallet’s only got an IOU receipt from his crack dealer in it and he’s got ANOTHER mouth to feed.

A couple of days ago, a map of Hyde Park went up on The Libertines’ Facebook page and some hos took that to mean that they were going to perform a reunion show there. Dreamy says that they got an offer to reunite and he had to say yes to it, because he’s so desperate for money that he’s about to suck off his dealer for a half-smoked rock (really, who hasn’t been there?).

“I don’t know if I’m supposed to even tell you this, but we were offered to reform the Libertines for a show this July in Hyde Park. I got the call just yesterday. I said yes. The thing is when I think about it now it was kind of a strange answer because I think in most days if you asked me the same question I would say no, but recently I tried to call Carl (Barat) and couldn’t reach him. Not long ago I listened to The Libertines songs on YouTube and had a burst of nostalgia so I said what the heck, and then they told me how much they will pay us and I cannot lie to you I couldn’t say no, at least not in my state right now.”

Dreamy is really, really hard up for cash, because he just found out that living in this world is a third child who will one day take his daddy’s old crack pipe to school on Show and Tell day.

“I was recently called to family law court after a young girl I knew had told me I was the father of her baby. I have a year and a half old girl and I need to pay a lot of alimony, I’m in debt. It’s very complicated for me to say no right now. I have financial problems.”

Dreamy has a 10-year-old son named Astile with singer Lisa Moorish and a 2-year-old daughter named Aisling with a South African model.

If Dreamy really needs a quick check, he should submit his body to science for testing. Scientists can find out how is it possible that his liver and the rest of his internal organs haven’t melted and dribbled out of his asshole by now. While they’re in there, they can also study his drunk jizz to find out how it’s possible that they’re able to find a stranger’s ovaries while they’re boozed up and high on who knows what. I mean, when I’m really drunk and stoned, I can barely find the toilet I use every day, but yet Dreamy’s drunk jizz seem to always find their way. He truly is a freak of nature.

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