Amber Heard is sooooo lucky; that’s pretty much the best Johnny Depp™ costume I’ve ever seen. She even got a real Johnny Depp™ Old-Timey Hat and two Johnny Depp™ Totally Random Necklaces! I’m super jealous. I asked for a Johnny Depp™ costume for my birthday too, but all I got was a cheap plastic smock with a picture of Gilbert Grape on the front.
Today marks Amber Heard’s 28th birthday, and to celebrate, the grimy-looking human mid-life crisis she’s engaged to treated her to a day of shopping in New York City. I don’t know where they went shopping, but I can guess they probably bought at least one of the following things: a shirt that’s meant to be layered with 4 other shirts, huge silver thumb rings, some kind of $50 non-shampoo, moth-eaten hats. After a long day of shopping, Johnny finished granting all of Amber’s birthday wishes by calling the paps for her. “Awww, how did you know?? I’m the happiest little stunt queen in all the land! Quick, give me back my engagement ring.”
Here’s more of Jamber Juice returning home from a long day of shopping for secretly-expensive worn out-looking garbage clothes (hey, it takes a lot of money to look as homeless as Johnny Depp) as well as Johnny cleaning up the tiniest bit to take Amber out for dinner on Monday night. I always forget what Johnny Depp looks like when he does normal person drag; if he took off that weird taupe pussy hat, he could actually pass for handsome (“Nope” – Wino-era Johnny Depp). And Amber, honey, I suggest you bury that red velvet suit in the back of the guest bedroom closet, because there’s only one person who can pull off red velvet, and her name is Stacy Layne Matthews.