“Actually, we don’t like to use the word ‘debt’; it’s too traumatic and sounds low-class. Instead, we use the term ‘financially overleveraged’, which means that technically the money we have is not currently present in a tangible sense, but that we know we have money and are extremely secure in a spiritual understanding of finance.” – Gwyneth Paltrow to her accountant.
If you happen to be browsing the office furniture section of Craigslist and see an ad for a bunch of imported cashmere desk chairs and a champaca oil-rubbed agarwood boardroom table, you’ll know why. According to corporate documents obtained by Radar, the world most pretentious website, Goop.com, is about two bounced cheques away from skipping town and living under the fictitious name Poop.biz. I don’t recommend you read the documents unless you get a boner for accounting and want to jerk it to pages and pages of numbers, so I’ll put on a shirt with a giant collar and sum it all up in the most Suze Orman way I can. Oh, by the way – all the numbers are in British pounds and not American dollars, because Goop has to be pretentious even when it’s talking about being a failing business:
1. Goop is the Lindsay Lohan of websites, spending way more than it actually makes. Like in 2012, when it spent £932,096, but only made £932,096. Or in 2011, when they only made £64,484 but spent £216,544. Shit, that’s a lot of organic cold-pressed kale juice.
2. Gwyneth and former CEO Sebastian Bishop gave themselves personal interest-free loans, to the tune of nearly £80,000. Sebastian has paid back about £13,000, and Gwyneth has paid back £0.
3. Despite losing more money than a toothy hooker at a blowjob convention, Gwyneth and Sebastian the Cash Crab gave themselves giant raises, going from £102,788 to £350,000. Congratulations on the raise, you two! You earned it! Writing the description for that $600 sleeveless vest must have taken HOURS.
So basically, what we have here is a classic case of writing a cheque that your ass can’t cash. Or several cheques. To yourself. Over and over again. And then wondering why the lights got shut off at Goop Inc. Then writing yourself another cheque.
And the most surprising thing from the Goop documents is that in 2012, £11,000 was spent on “recruitment”. Recruitment for what? Is Gwyneth starting her own insufferably pretentious army of WASPs? Lord help us.