Even though the doves from their Kabbalah wedding ceremony are long dead and the ink on their divorce papers has since dried up, turned into an ink ghost, and flown up to ghost heaven to be with those dead doves, not to mention the fact that her ex has very clearly moved on, Demi Moore still gets a sick feeling in her cougar pooch whenever someone mentions the name “Ashton Kutcher” (I too get the same feeling, but it’s because I’m douchebag intolerant).
But instead of chugging a bottle of Pepto like the rest of us to fight that gross feeling you get when someone mentions your ex, Radar says that Demi is choosing to run away to a yogic spiritual centre in India with her fingers in her ears going “La-la-la If I can’t hear it, it’s not happening!” so that she can avoid hearing about the whole thing.
“Demi knows she’ll have to endure hearing about the affair — which Ashton is telling mutual friends will be huge and full of A-list Hollywood and tech friends — and seeing pictures. But the wound is still fresh from their divorce and Demi doesn’t want anything to trigger a relapse.”
Demi is also planning on doing the same thing in October when Mila Kunis gives birth. Dear yogic centre: you better stock up on Kleenex, ice cream, and 21-year-old boys now while you still have time.
I know it’s been said a million times before, but Demi needs to learn that Ashton Kutcher is no one to be devastated over. I could understand cranking the Eric Carmen if your heart was broken by a true earth angel, like Ryan Gosling or Bruce Jenner or Jon Hamm’s penis, but Ashton Kutcher? You’re still heartbroken over “Kelso” from That 70s Show? Red Forman, maybe, but not Kelso. Buck up Demi, there’s plenty more barely legal fish in the sea.
And quick, someone shield Demi’s eyes, because here’s Kelso and Jackie leaving LAX on Saturday. God damn, how is he able to always look like a raging douchebag? And my say something nice is that Mila is doing a great job of trying not to be seen with him.