Tila Tequila Is Going To Be Somebody’s Mother

April 19, 2014 / Posted by:

The last time we checked in with the former harmless booze-chugging trash rat turned insane anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist known as Tila Tequila, she had sort of disappeared before the release of there second sex tape. Naturally, I just assumed she’d been kidnapped by underground Illuminati lizard-people or an alien possessed by Hitler’s ghost, but as it turns out, she was drying out somewhere. GOOD. If Tila Tequila needed anything, it was for a group of professionals to get her off the sauce, because she was turning into the definition of RIGHT FUCKED UP.

And on Friday, Tila announced on Facebook that along with being clean and sober, she’s also knocked up with a tiny tequila worm. Tila says that she’s 10 weeks pregnant, and she’s already created a new Twitter account where she goes by the name Baby Mama Tila. So far there’s no word on who the baby daddy is, so for now let’s assume it’s an Illuminati lizard (they’re notoriously virile).

Tila is has been known to cry wolf when it comes to announcing pregnancies, so I might need more than a swollen tum-tum and a pair of pregnancy titties to convince me that Tila is actually with worm. I won’t be convinced that she is actually pregnant until I see a picture 6 months from now of a giant-eyed baby poking its head out of her crazy coochie, holding a newspaper from that morning in one hand and a hand-written affidavit in the other that reads “I, Tila’s little baby, swear that I was conceived in, grew in, share DNA with, and am now exiting Tila Tequila.” And even then, I’ll still probably be throwing side-eyes and wondering just how long Tila and that super-smart hired baby have been in cahoots for.

Pic: Facebook

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