Despite the fact that Beyoncé just finished performing the last of her 6 billion shows of the Mrs. Carter tour (she believes it was live streamed directly into the hearts and minds of everyone on earth, do not correct her) and Jay Z recently wrapped up his Smooth Character tour, and the fact that they have so much money they could buy Jesus Christ himself and let Blue Ivy hunt him for sport, Page Six says that Her Majesty Bey and her husband who’s name is not as important have decided to launch a 20-date stadium tour starting late-June.
Damn bitch, everyone has heard you sing about surfboards, we don’t need another tour for the surfbort song. Take a break, put your fucking feet up, take up knitting or some shit, do whatever you gotta do to decompress, but don’t do another tour. We’re all tired. I don’t have enough fight left in me to compete with the Bumble Beys for concert tickets. They’re monsters; they’ll jump through your ethernet cable and cut your fucking ear off. Take a break, please.
And I see you, Blue Ivy. I know that this is all your doing. That sneaky toddler probably has her eye on a new nap-time yacht or a solid-gold baby wipes dispenser, so she snuck into Beyoncé dressing room and left a hand-written note under Bey’s best wig that said: “I can’t help notice that your bank balance has dipped below a billion dollars. Is money tight right now? Should I help ease the burden by moving in with Unky Kanye and Auntie Plasticface? If only there were a way to make more money, but I have no idea, because I’m just a baby. Oh well. Maybe you and Daddy will figure something out.”