Cameron Diaz Doesn’t Really Believe In Monogamy

April 14, 2014 / Posted by:

It looks like Pastor Cameron Diaz of the Pussylove United Church found a volunteer to fill in for her at the Pussy Outreach Centre for At-Risk Vaginas, because she’s taken a brief hiatus from preaching the word of the good book and give a non-labia-related interview to InStyle magazine. Pastor Cammy reveals that she has started to question the long-held belief that one should worship at the altar of one set of genitals for the rest of our lives:

“A lot of people chase after it because they’ve been told, ‘This equals happiness.’ They chase it, they get it, and they find out, ‘Why did I think this was going to make me happy? I’m miserable!’ I don’t know if anyone is really naturally monogamous. We all have the same instincts as animals. But we live in a society where it’s been ingrained in us to do these things.”

I’m sorry, Pastor Cammy, but you lost me the second you compared human monogamy to animal monogamy. Animals are sluts who will hump anything regardless of sex, species, or vital status. I once saw a dog hump on a dead raccoon, and the whole time his eyes were scanning for his next hole (no romance with that one). And of course there are some hump-hungry human sluts out there (The Deaner, for example) but for the most part, I think humans like to settle down with that one special someone who makes their parts tingle, right? I mean, it sure saves on rent.

And something tells me Pastor Cammy just received an email from Gwyneth Paltrow that said: “Hi Cameron. Do me a favour and go back to talking about vaginas, because I’ve sort of already cornered the market on insufferable quotes about questioning monogamy.”

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