Hot Slut Of The Day!

Cucumber Melon lotion and shower gel from Bath & Body Works!

I was skimming through Buzzfeed’s list of “21 Smells 90s Girls Will Never Forget” and saw the usual shit like Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers and Watermelon Candy Kisses Lip Balm and then I could feel my nostrils close shut when I landed on a picture of cucumber melon-scented lotion and shower gel from Bath & Body Works! Cucumber melon was like the signature scent of the late 90s and early 2000s. It terrorized (and if you’re a sick shit, it tingled) nostrils everywhere. I don’t know what it says about me (SPOILER ALERT: That I stank and look like I love to luxuriate in the scent of fruit salads), but in the late 90s and early 2000, several people gave me Bath & Body Works gift baskets and several of those baskets were filled with nothing but cucumber melon shit. Cucumber melon smelled as though a watermelon swallowed four ten-pound bags of sugar before pissing on a cucumber.

Whenever somebody would give me a basket with Bath & Body Works cucumber melon-scented crap in it, I’d have swallow hard (wink wink) to keep the gags from taking over my throat and I’d have to sit on my hands to keep from slapping that trick for obviously giving me a regift. I knew they were passing on the sticky sweet grossness to me. You know, but if you add a lot of vodka to a cup full of cucumber melon body wash, it’s not so bad and makes a refreshing late afternoon cocktail.

When I die and I’m stumbling through the fog wondering if I’m headed for heaven or hell, I’ll know that I belong to Satan if the scent of cucumber melon wafts up my smelling holes.