Greta the Gremlin’s shady pill-gobbling half-sister, Lindsay Lohan, accidentally took a wrong turn on her way to the human ashtray convention and drunkenly wandered onto the set of The Late Show Wednesday night. While there, she sat with David Letterman (in a chair that was later fumigated to hell and back, then mercifully destroyed) to talk about the reality show that will surely sweep every category at this year’s Delusional Dirtbag Emmys, Lindsay (aka the weekly reminder that your parents did alright with you and you should send them a Blue Mountain e-card).
Since Blohan’s version of Jiminy Cricket is a tiny stupid crackhead who turns tricks inside her ratty weave, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone when she answered the question David asked about the editing on her show by throwing massive amounts of freckled shade at Saint Oprah and the Saviour Crew at OWN. Remember Sunday’s episode where the Apricot Ashtray fucks up a meeting with a Sony executive in LA and gets called out for boozing? She didn’t actually say some of those things! Her words were taken out of context! It’s all meant to create drama for the show! They just want ratings! It’s all a conspiracy! (Snnooooooorrrtttt) I’m sober! Where’s my money? Oprah? I need money! Ow, did I just step on a glass pipe?
At which point, Lindsay’s crackhead conscience sounded the ‘YOU’RE BROKE, BITCH’ alarm (it sounds a little something like this) and screamed at her to start kissing Oprah’s ass again. So Lindsay convinced David Letterman to call up Oprah, because remember? She talks to Oprah every day! In a move of total perfect cuntiness, Oprah told David and the Late Show audience that the little grifter that could is “doing okay” followed by asking him “What do you think?” Oh Oprah. Anyone with a set of working eyeballs and the ability to detect vodka and mouthwash cocktails knows that the answer to that question. You shady bitch.